February, 2006 [Reset]
Morbidly Fat Tuesday
Hint: If someone ever asks you if, given enough desperation, you would resort to cannabalism, don't preface any response with: "Well, I'm a pragmatist" or "It depends on if I were just postponing the inevitable". Just say no. Be insulted that they'd even have to ask the question. Any serious pause for consideration really just makes you seem more like a ghastly pervert than you already are.

This apalling rumination brought to you by an episode of Nova on the Franklin expedition from the 1850's who set out to discover the Northwest Passage. They were trapped in the ice and Modern Science has uncovered bones with tool marks on them.

Even short of cannabalism, there's nothing good can be indicated by toolmarks on human skeletons. You were doing something you shouldn't have with the body, end of story. Gross. Evil-gross. We don't want to hear your pragmatic excuses.

BONUS MEDITATION

A group of amateur-filmmaker-wannabe-bored-pseudohipster-pricks decided that the speeds people drive on Atlanta's 285 perimeter are out of control. They took it upon themselves to drive 55-mph alongside each other in all 4 lanes and slow traffic down for miles. They videotaped the results. (FYI, the video is poorly done and the audio levels need constant attention.)

These people are lucky they didn't get fucking hell shot/rammed/crushed out of them. I learned how to drive on 285 and Atlanta's other freeways and I am to this day keeper of terrifying momentum-and-pavement related memories.

Agreeable comment from the fark thread:

That one guy sounded kind of pretentous and bored trying to justify their actions as an act of civil disobedience or somesuch... He came off like an interstate Timothy Tredwell...
2/28/2006 10:59 AM
3
 
Not-so-pretty Penny
The last big Powerball jackpot was snagged by a group of meat-packing plant workers. What do they have to look forward to? A mess for next year's taxes and a sprial into obscurity and poverty. At least, according to this USA Today article .

Some past winners:

  • William "Bud" Post, who won $16.2 million in the Pennsylvania Lottery in 1988, had a brother who tried to have him killed for the inheritance. Post lost and spent all his winnings. He was living off
    Social Security when he died in January.

  • Two years after winning a $31 million Texas Lottery in 1997, Billie Bob Harrell Jr. committed suicide. He had bought cars, real estate, gave money to his family, church and friends. After his death it was not clear whether there was money left for estate taxes.

  • Victoria Zell, who shared an $11 million Powerball jackpot with her husband in 2001, is serving time in a Minnesota prison, her money gone. Zell was convicted in March 2005 in a drug- and alcohol-induced collision that killed one person and paralyzed another.

  • Evelyn Adams, who won the New Jersey Lottery twice, in 1985 and 1986, for a total $5.4 million, gambled and gave away all of her money. She was poor by 2001, and living in a trailer.


They should really trot these kinds of stories out WHILE the jackpots are so huge, not afterwards.
2/28/2006 6:17 AM
1
 
Google Rank Update
For anyone who has been keeping track, I'm now hit #1 on google for the search "shamu kills man".
2/26/2006 1:51 AM
 
Vlinks
Lazy sunday afternoon popular video ganking:

  • It Only Takes A Second -
    Safety video from the mid-90s. Contrived workplace violations segue into sepia-toned scenes of convalescence and/or death and ascent into heaven. Includes grisly leaked footage from the death star garbage compactor.

  • Sythesizer Medley 1985 - Thomas Dolby, Herbie Hancock, Howard Jones, and Stevie Wonder perform at the grammies at the terrifying height of early 80's electro-pop domination. A funky robot voice asks them to identify themselves before they perform. Classic.

  • Load time Hell - Only for the most bored. See how long it takes from power on to actually playing a certain PSP title. Hint: Over 6 minutes. Another hint: WWE wrestling.
2/26/2006 1:24 AM
 
Nightlife Safari
Crikey, as the Crocodile Hunter says, look at that one they-ah! He seems endlessly bemused by the specimens he stumbles across. "He's a mean one!" "She's a fight-ah!" He always pokes them with something.

I would like to go clubbing with that man. Maybe with his extensive training and knowledge of wildlife he can help me sort out what it is that I'm seeing whenever I go downtown. "Hey, Steve, is that a hipster, yuppie, or some kind of mixed, evolutionary-dead-end?" I would ask, stopping at the window of of an indeterminently trendy establishment. "What a brute! I have no ide-ah, but by crikey I'm gonna find ay-out." I'll let him to the poking.

Short of Steve Irwin, here's a field guide to the creatures of the night. It features such species as "The Shirt Guy":

This common predator travels in packs. If his number grows too large he can desolate a watering hole, making it impossible for other creatures to subsist.


Also, beware of "Rip Wan Winkles":

Individuals, whether age 30 or 60, who obviously haven't been out for a long time. Just like ol' Rip of lore, they have awakened with a puzzled, poleaxed expression that says: "Five dollars for a beer?"


I'm afraid I would fall into the latter category. That's why I need Steve. He would chug another Foster's ("Australian for Bee-ahâ„¢") and instantly we would be revitalized, ready to continue the hunt.

Of course, there's the implicit hazard that the evening might end with something along the lines of "You grab ah feet while I hog tie-ah".

With apologies to Australia.
2/25/2006 12:59 PM
2
 
Damn Liberal Media
attraction_secrets.gif


I don't even remember where I found this. Still funny.
2/25/2006 4:52 AM
 
Googlecities
Anyone remember Geocities from the mid-90s? Google resurrects the idea for the mid-00's.

"Google Pages" does give you a nice WYSIWYG interface and the first Undo/Redo I've ever seen on a web page but beyond that it's not blowing me away. First-time web designers only.
2/23/2006 9:19 AM
 
Tools for Distracted Writers
I have a problem, if you would believe that: I am in a state of perpetual writer's block.

Maybe you've noticed that none of the original text in the entries on this bliggity-blog are longer than two paragraphs? There's a reason for that. I second-guess everything I type, and worse yet, as I second guess it my mind starts wandering off. If there's any doubt about what word to place where, I start flipping through browser tabs and media player windows and code pages letting whatever thread I'd been mentally chasing unravel.

Is it voluntary? I have many, many draft entries sitting around that never see the light of day. I get a sentance or two in and tab-flip-itis kicks in. There's another article on fark that's languishing in the background. There's an e-mail I need to respond to. It's going to be cold out tomorrow, but just how cold? Someone just popped up on IM and really has to see this web page. You get the idea.

Maybe all this distracting technology can be redirected. Flipped on its head. [Insert here the sounds of Eric rummaging through his Visual Studio toolbox]. Surely, like all things in life, there must be a programmatic solution to this. I give me (and you, if you care to try it) Focus. One program, one textbox. It fills the screen blocking everything out. You type what you want to say with no distraction and hit Escape to exit. It copies everything you typed to the clipboard so you're free to publish it or delete it or do what you please. I'll do my best and try to dogfood myself with it.

But I can't help but feel like I've managed to hamstring my writing yet again.

distraction_free.png

Download includes program and source code for you leet haxors.
2/22/2006 11:11 AM
 
http://slate.com/id/2136714
http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_3529716
2/21/2006 4:16 AM
 
presidents_day_sunset_small.jpg
2/20/2006 8:04 AM
 
Summer Will Return!
summer_return.jpg


I can promise that much.

And this is pretty funny for you fans of JFK and/or satire. (Or both.)
2/19/2006 12:51 PM
 
You've been Mooned


I found a spot for my moon phase image. I couldn't say why I wanted one, just always have. It's rendered on the fly, so be nice to it. I think in the future I'll let it accept rendering parameters like size and background color. You know, just in case.
2/19/2006 3:27 AM
 
The Will of The People
My visit logs recorded any number inexplicable searches every day, mostly looking for "Stephanie Tanner on Meth" or "Stephen Colbert boobs" , but a few have stood out lately; I present them here in photoshopped form:

The first, shamu kills man, brings me up as number #4 in google. I hope to improve that rank shortly. Because after all, I did talk about shamu killing a man on my blog. Here. Shamu. Man dead. I have pictures (images too, googlebot!) to prove it.

shamu_kills_man.jpg


This search I'll treat with a little more reverence since I am #1 search result: "John Stamos Chuck Norris Jack Bauer".

norris_stamos_bauer.jpg


Man is that hair full of Stamos.
2/18/2006 12:57 PM
1
 
I tried
I worked on a javascript panorama viewer today but gave it up when I realized the clipping would never work out (needs an iframe).

I tried working on some nifty image fading code but gave that up when I realized each image element would have to be custom-fitted with it.

So I tried working on a moon phase calendar to overcome my boredom but lost interest when I couldn't find a place for it on the page. The final calculation takes 30 different trig terms anyways.

I tried to speed my computer up, but it just overheated and I had to send it to time-out corner before it would behave itself again.

I tried some javascript that promised to automatically round the corners of all my div blocks but took it out when I realized the library was 150k in extra overhead.

I tried swing dancing but it just wasn't for me. I can't move and have trouble touching strangers.

I've tried explaning to my sister's relationally-optmistic friend that there are no girls where I work. I work with software and metal.

I wanted to hope for the future just a little but then I saw this:



(From "American Digest").


But ya gotta admit, that picture of shamu killing man is pretty bitchin'.
2/18/2006 11:35 AM
 
The Heartbreak of Minnesota in Winter
Well below -20F (-30C) tonight with wind chills to -40F. Am going to try the water-freezing-before-it-hits-the-ground trick, will post the results.

UPDATE: Sorry to report experimentation was a failure, but that's the nature of the beast that is Science. Distinctly heard the sound of liquid water hitting the ground. Tried hot and cold water, but I suspect the fact that the temperature actually ticked up to -18 didn't help -- it was at -21 a little earlier.

(I think it has to be -60 for the water trick to work anyways.)
2/17/2006 7:24 AM
2
 
Task Switching Craziness
Okay, so I worked on a task switching application for XP all evening -- one that would let me roll my mouse wheel to change apps instead of having to hit alt + tab (tab, tab, tab) or use the arrow keys. It worked and worked well, but a heartless former co-worker crushed my little application in its crib by pointing out a vastly superior one, TaskSwitchXP.

Still, no one can ever take my TaskScroller away from me... Here's a screenshot to prove it once lived:

task_scroller.png

RIP my evening's work.. RIP.
2/16/2006 12:10 PM
1
 
E85 Experiment
E85-logo.gif

With this row over Cartoon Mohommeds, I've decided I've expended quite enough of my consciousness on anything related to the Middle East. And that means oil.

So since a new gas station on my drive to work went up with E85 pumps, I've decided to try it out. E85 is a mix of ethanol and gasoline; you get a little bit lower MPG (KPL for all you metric afficianados) but it's 15-20% cheaper. Ethanol is basically alcohol distilled from corn and thanks to government subsidies we have plenty of it to go around.

You must have a "flex fuel vehicle" that doesn't care whether or not you're burning ethanol, so don't try this if you aren't sure. (It's a disappointingly small list.)

After running through a tank of 87 octane regular and a tank of E85 on my 03 Taurus, here's what I recorded:
Regular Unleaded: 23.131 MPG @ $2.159, 10.7 cents a mile

E85: 20.154 MPG @ $1.799, 11.2 cents a mile

4.5% more per mile or about 10 cents per gallon when gas is $2.15. I told myself that if it was less than a 20% difference I'd keep doing it. Looks like I'll be running corn from now on. Wheee.


85captandmike.gif
2/16/2006 9:57 AM
2
 
Some realizations
Out of the blue I've realized that Orange is my favorite color. I'm not trying to make a political statement or anything, I just really like the glow and sort of ephemeral sassiness. I can't explain it. I'd never wear orange clothes. I have no desire to hoarde orange things. Still, whenever I see it, I like it.

Also: Men's figure skating is possibly the queerest thing I can currently imagine, short of a Liberace appearing at a Village People concert on Castro street in San Francisco as the Indigo Girls parachute down with rainbow-colored canopies. I know what you're thinking: Eric sooooo likes it, it's just his typical homophobic knee-jerk reponse. That's sooooo not fair.

And finally: The audio levels on NBC's Olympics broadcasts suck. They're too quiet! I turn the channel and am blasted away by hundreds of watts of excessive audio power. I turn the channel back and Bob Costas sounds like he's broadcasting from the middle of the local library with white haired librarians shooting him dirty looks.

Whew, women's skeleton... That's better.
2/16/2006 8:07 AM
 
Grizzly Lovin'
Ahh, Valentine's Day. Celebration of romance, started by someone, somewhere, for some reason. The perfect outlet for singles to grouse about relationships (or lack thereof), and the scourge of the procrastinating married man. Perpetuated by who else? Hallmark. Zales. Hersheys Chocolate Company. Women.

I don't care about any of that jazz. I had a great Valentine's Day and hope you did too. If no one else, I know someone who wants to be your Valentine...

valentine_bear.jpg


There's always Online Dating.
2/14/2006 11:35 AM
 
sIFR Font Embedder
** Web developer geek-out alert **


sIFR is a javascript/flash system that lets you put custom typefaces on your web page. I wrote a sIFR font file creator that lets you embed TTF files into SWF files without having to own a Flash creation program. (It uses 'swfmill').

You can get it here.
2/14/2006 10:03 AM
3
 
CSI:POS
csi_gay.jpg

I hearby foreswear any future viewings of CSI. Not the sad jokes of "Miami" or "New York", but the original.

The last episode, about a serial-killing-"7"-wannabe-Neonazi-evil-twin-botanist, pushed me over the edge. The cinematography (and I'm specfically NOT referring to the gross-out zooming-through-corpse scenes) was the only reason worth watching of late and now Intense, Astonishing inanity has overtaken it.

Once upon a time, CSI: had interesting characters. Human characters, even. Relationships in flux. Promotions, demotions, reprimands. People came and left. Now, we have crime scene robots who seem capable of little more than macabre quips and perfect records of Nailing The Bad Guy through AFIS, CODIS, and Instant Diagnostic Tests.

It really was the "evil twin" angle that did it. Of all the cheap cop-outs available to writers of television dramas, this is right up there with A-Team bullets that never, ever land their mark and miracle convenience store cameras that can zoom and zoom to reveal a clear picture of the perpetrator's nose hairs. I consider it CSI's "jumping the shark" moment.

Of course, judging by these comments, I start to feel a little alone. Is there no one else out there who has had their fill?

P.S. Catherine is a snot and I hope she dies painfully while the others make snide remarks.

JUMPING THE SHARK!!!!!
2/13/2006 6:49 AM
 
Spiff Up Windows
Here's a few friendly weekend tips for sprucing up Windows XP, just in case it's started feeling a little crufty.

Use ClearType. This XP feature smooths out fonts and makes screen reading easier. Even if you don't have an LCD monitor, which is what it was developed for, your eyes will thank you. (I don't care what Spolsky says.)

Go the ClearType Tuner Page in Internet Explorer to turn it on and tune it in the browser.

xp_theme_comparison.jpg

Get a new theme. The theme above (on the right, for comparison) is available on Microsoft's web site. Download, unzip, and install "royale.zip". Or, you can go all out. From lifehacker.
2/11/2006 10:53 AM
1
 
Spiff Up Der Blog
I'm testing a new layout plus some fancy typographic stuff for the headers. I like it more already.

If stuff appears broken, please gripe here.
2/11/2006 2:55 AM
2
 
I Wish You Would Step Back From That Ledge My Friend
Some people use the internet to keep in touch with family and friends. Some use it for shopping. Some use it down downloading the latest Flava Flav track. Others use it to kill themselves.

Web suicide pacts surge in Japan

The number of Japanese who killed themselves in suicide pacts made over the internet rose sharply last year.
...
In one case in February, three men and three women who had contacted each other via the internet shut themselves in a car and lit charcoal burners, poisoning themselves with the carbon monoxide.

Suicide has become a widely discussed topic on many websites in Japan, and there is even a guidebook to the best places to kill yourself.


I know myspace is involved somehow. It just has to be.
2/10/2006 5:41 AM
 
So Called Recovery
Still too sick-ish to post a coherant thought, so here are some incomplete substitutes:

  • meebo.com -- Replace all your IM clients with a web page. Nice responsive AJAX interface, feels like the windows are floating above the web page, not in it. Seems pretty featureful. My question: How in the world do you make money off of this?

  • More on the NASA appointee. Apparently, reporting that you've misrepresented your credentials by claiming a degree when you don't have one amounts to a smear campaign:

    "When at NASA, I was asked to let my managers speak on behalf of the issues," he said. "Now that I am no longer bound by that, I would really like to clear the air and defend my integrity and my good name."

    Mr. Deutsch said he resigned of his own volition because he was unhappy with the negative publicity he and NASA were receiving in the news media. "I was just sick of it," he said. "I was being smeared. My integrity and credibility was being questioned. And as a human being, as a human being, I just could not take it anymore."


  • Last, but not least, The Robots Are Coming. Ways of defending yourself from our inevitable robot-overlording-revolution:

    Lose the human heat signature

    You can change your characteristic human heat signature by smearing cool mud and leaves over yourself. Crouch into a small position and sit still; the motion of small bits of warm skin will mark you as human.
    ...
    Send the robot on an arduous task

    Not only will sending your robot on a long, tiring task drain its power reserves, it will give you time to formulate a plan.
2/9/2006 10:13 AM
 
2/8/2006 10:04 AM
 
Theory of Graduation
I think that Stephen Colbert's principle of "Truthiness" can be applied here somewhere:

A Young Bush Appointee Resigns His Post at NASA

George C. Deutsch, the young presidential appointee at NASA who told public affairs workers to limit reporters' access to a top climate scientist and told a Web designer to add the word "theory" at every mention of the Big Bang, resigned yesterday, agency officials said.

Mr. Deutsch's resignation came on the same day that officials at Texas A&M University confirmed that he did not graduate from there, as his résumé on file at the agency asserted.


This guy's my age. Clearly, he has me beat in several categories of life experience. (NYT, may need registration but the story is everywhere.)
2/8/2006 9:56 AM
 
Sick as a dog
No posting from me...
2/7/2006 5:53 AM
1
 
Herzog:Superman? Uber-mensche?
fitzcarraldo_pl1_small.jpg


I watched Werner Herzog's "My Best Friend" last night, a pseudo-documentary about his relationship with the late Klaus Kinski, star of several of his movies. The film opens with a shot of Kinski on stage, wild-eyed, proclaiming to be Jesus. He berates the audience and flies into a rage when someone tries to grab the microphone away. The American Psychiatric Association might not approve of my verbiage, but the guys was a crazy hysterical nutter.

This morning, I find this article on Fark: Herzog Shot During Interview

HOLLYWOOD - German director Werner Herzog was shot by a crazed fan during a recent interview with the BBC.
The 63-year-old was chatting with movie journalist Mark Kermode about his documentary Grizzly Man, when a sniper opened fire with an air rifle.

"Herzog, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, said, 'Oh, someone is shooting at us. We must go.'

"He had a bruise the size of a snooker ball, with a hole in. He just carried on with the interview while bleeding quietly in his boxer shorts."

An unrepentant Herzog insisted, "It was not a significant bullet. I am not afraid."
(Fark thread has some fun stories.)

If that wasn't enough, I read this: Joaquin Phoenix Pulled from Car Wreck by Director Werner Herzog

Joaquin Phoenix has plenty of reason to celebrate this week, and not just because he scored a best actor Oscar nomination for "Walk the Line."

Last Thursday, the 31-year-old actor overturned his car on a winding road in Laurel Canyon. And in an only-in-Hollywood twist, German director Werner Herzog was one of the first responders who helped Phoenix out of the wreck.
...
"I remember this knocking on the passenger window," said Phoenix. "There was this German voice saying, 'Just relax.' There's the air bag, I can't see and I'm saying, 'I'm fine. I am relaxed.'

"Finally, I rolled down the window and this head pops inside. And he said, 'No, you're not.' And suddenly I said to myself, 'That's Werner Herzog!' There's something so calming and beautiful about Werner Herzog's voice. I felt completely fine and safe. I climbed out."


The guy makes Christopher Reeves' Superman look like a juvenile pansy. (Especially Reeves in Superman 2.) Not to mention the fact that he found the Loch Ness Monster. I'd like to see Josh Hartnett or even Tom Cruise do that.

From the Fark thread:

"I remember one time Herzog took his family to Sea World... they were watching Shamu the whale when Herzog got splashed! So Herzog yells, 'I'm Werner Herzog and no one gets me wet!' So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, 'How do you like it?!' And then damn if Herzog didn't step in there and finish the show!"

...

That guy could kick Chuck Norris' and Jack Bauer's collective asses in a three way match. Not by pure skill, but by the fact he'd shrug off all of their attacks. Chuck Norris would roundhouse him and he'd say "it was an insignificant kick" Jack would shoot him "insignificant bullet from an insignificant man"
2/5/2006 12:41 PM
 
Josie Sweetin et al.
According to the search logs, my site is filled with pictures of Josie Sweetin naked, snorting crack, snorting crack while naked, snorting meth off of a pile of crack, wearing full nazi regalia, shorting nazi regalia while wearing crack (naked) and her in bed with John Stamos and a midget goat.

You people are sick. Why do I even bother?

Better yet: Why do you bother? What makes you get out of bed in the morning when you know that all you'll do is plug perverse descriptions into google hoping for a cheap schedenfreudian thrill? I hope your space heater or tea kettle tips over in the middle of some night and burns your head to death.

Thanks for visiting!
2/4/2006 2:37 AM
3
 
Tao of Steve
After playing taxicab with my slightly smashed brother and his friend awhile back, I was treated to some petty bickering between them over a girl. Specifically, someone had dropped his game.

"You made a pass at her, didn't you?" My brother's friend chided him. He went on: "Are you gonna be a Steve or are you gonna be a Stu?" He insisted that "The Tao of Steve" was his favorite movie and the only game in town if you want to make it with the ladies. Naturally, I netflixed it. In the name of science.

In "TToS", "Steve" is the archetypal man's man: Steve McQueen. Motorcyclin'. Outlawin'. Woman wranglin'. He plays it cool and the chicks line up to take turns. A "Stu" is the exact opposite: A grovelling, feeling-sharing ninny whose only hope is to settle with whatever needy woman will put up with his wimpiness. (Coincidentally and unfortunately for him, my brother's name is Stu.)

It's a cute movie about a stoner with a sure-fire pickup method -- he's lazy and obese, but that doesn't matter, he has the 3 rules that comprise the Tao of Steve. He meets a woman who doesn't fall for his game and hilarity generally ensues.

It strikes me, though, the point of the movie is exactly the opposite of what my brother's friend believes it to be. It's about how the Tao doesn't work and indeed that the protagonist needs it not to work. (If the plot is insufficiently clear on this point, the credit tune has something like "Don't try the Tao.." as a lyric.)

If bad comes to worse, I have something to fall back on if the pherotones fail me.

They won't.
2/2/2006 11:04 AM
1
 
I thought she was the normal one!


'Full House' Sweetheart Talks About Meth Addiction
Child Star Jodie Sweetin Tried Meth Because She Was 'Bored'

When the show ended in 1995, she said she wanted to be a normal kid. She went to high school and college and by age 20 was married to a Los Angeles police officer — TV older sister Candice Cameron was in the wedding party.

But two years ago, she found herself dangerously addicted to one of the most debilitating drugs, methamphetamine. She said she was unemployed and bored and began simply by experimenting. Soon, she was using meth everyday.

The tabloid press reported a three-day bender as well as an intervention staged by her "Full House" castmates — including the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget.


I think they need to have a reunion show where the cast members sit around and talk candidly about their life after Full House. They could show "then and now" clips with cute outtakes juxtaposed with current real-life headlines. Dave Coulier can tell us how it feels to Skate with Celebrities. Bob Saget can wax poetic about sucking c**k on the street corner for coke. John Stamos can reminicise about that super hottay he was once married to. Mary-Kate will show off her new line of sunglasses the size of her head, brash enough to put liberace to shame.

I wrote this post just so I could use the word "juxtaposed", btw.
2/1/2006 11:32 AM
1